i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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