There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
