Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
