and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
