do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
