god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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