I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
