Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
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I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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