I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
