I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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