it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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