I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You made out with two different species that night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
