Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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