Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
