Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
