Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
