i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
