He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
