She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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