I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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