how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
