If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
