Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
