if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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