Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
