I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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