Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
