I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
no, he came in my armpit
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
