We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
