I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
