seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
