separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
