I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
