My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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