sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
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Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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