it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.