Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY