remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican