My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
