I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
