we have officially lost it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
