Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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