I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
