I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
