I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
