She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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