PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
