Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
