So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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