I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
