your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
ok first of all what the fuck
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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