dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
