I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I lost the right to judge tonight
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
