My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
