Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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