She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
