I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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