3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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