I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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